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I am becoming extremely frustrated with myself recently. I am realizing (fairly quickly) how socially awkward and romantically inept I am.

Now let me start off with this: My mom raised me with the mantra, "Boys have cooties." In other words, this meant no touching, kissing, and only side hugs. She continued to tell that to me . . . up until I turned 18 it seems. Now, seeing as how I never had much of a rebelious streak, I obeyed her. Well, okay, I gave good, normal, frontways hugs. That's not the point, a hug is a hug. I never really branched out. I've had a few boyfriends, and all ending kind of awkwardly distant. I've never really kissed anyone either. I've been kissed, but I never really know how to respond. It's like my mind throws up a million walls and things for me to fight through, that I can't process it all at once. I tense up and freak out.

I'm only just now getting comfortable with hanging out with guys on my own. I'm comfortable with hugs, and cuddling. Most of the time. I'm terrible at flirting. And at kissing! Ha! I've never been worse at anything (ok, theoretical physics and advanced calculus might have kissing beat in the areas of things I'm terrible at.)

And it is so damn frustrating. I'm trying to let go of being insecure. To know that it's ok to just chill around guys. It's not like I'm going to turn around and whore myself out.

Anyways, I really needed to vent.

Adelaide

People have always asked me why I never acted on the half a million crushes I've had since age too-young-to-even-consider-a-boyfriend. I hope they now know why.

Often times, my crushes are just passing fancies of craziness.

Now, I'm in a relationship with a boy I liked a lot. But did I actually sit down and think about how I really felt about him? Of course not! What self-respecting hormonal teenager who hasn't had a boyfriend in two years does? Obviously, not me.

Now, mind you, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's a great guy, but like most of my teenage crushes, my feeling for him have passed. And now I'm feeling stuck.

That's why I never acted on all of the crushes I had. Despite the fact that my friends would tell me to go for it, I knew I would end up feeling stuck. Trapped, if you will.

I've only had four boyfriends in my 18 years (oh yeah, I'm a hag, at least that's what JZ says). Which I don't mind. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything but way too much heartache. Sometimes I don't even count the first guy. The bastard only used me to get close to my best friend at the time. And then he had her tell me that we were broken up. Not cool. Second boyfriend, he was much better, by a long shot. He and I dated for two years. Mind you, we started going out while I was in 8th grade. We broke up because of some disagreements, but overall, the experience wasn't terrible. Third boyfriend, he was clingy, needy, and depended on my to hold his world together, like some all glorified piece of ducttape. And now, there's my current boyfriend. Which, obviously isn't going so well.

So that's why I'm here.

I'm frustrated.

I'm terrified.

And I need my Dr. Pepper buddies. (My two best friends, we all drink Dr. Pepper like it's our lifeblood.) They help me through, but living two hours away from them at college is killing me. (They're a grade under me. Which is cool, they're still the best.)

Ok. So this quickly turned quite pointless, so I'm done.

Adelaide